Category 5 Personal Attack Reported

Freshwater West Wind Declared “Category 5 Personal Attack”

Residents and visitors at Freshwater West have reported winds so aggressive they are now being treated as “direct acts of hostility.”

The Met Office has confirmed gusts are now strong enough to:

 • Remove sunglasses from faces

 • Turn umbrellas inside out instantly

 • Age a person by 3–5 years within minutes

 One visitor stated: “I only went down for a quick walk… I’ve come back a different man.”

 Local authorities have advised people to: “Lean into it slightly and accept their fate.”